It’s now the seventh day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.
Next up is …
Name: Juliana Haygert
Title: Gypsy Heart
Genre: New Adult Urban Fantasy
Word count: 75,000
With a past weighed down by mistrust, Mirella finally finds hope in a new friendship with an unlikely guy, only to discover her mother’s lies about their heritage as Tziganes–a powerful and hunted race.
B’s notes: This pitch is vague. Why is the guy unlikely? What are her mother’s lies? What happens when she finds out about her heritage? What are Tziganes? Who are they hunted by? How are they powerful? I need to know more to help with this pitch. If you want to answer the questions above in the comments below, I’ll take a crack at the logline for you.
B’s additional notes: After getting more information from Juliana, I took a shot at her logline. Here it is…
‘When her mother’s lies unravel, and Mirella develops her hidden gifts, she discovers a secret world of hunters and their hunted – the problem is she’s a hunted, and what they want is her heart, literally.’
I don’t know if this works, but you decide. Narrow in on the theme of your story. You don’t have to try to explain everything, you just need to entice an agent to read on. Good luck!
Only a crazy person would spread out a blanket in the backyard to have a picnic with her plants. Well, my mother was
crazy insane, so why not?
I crossed my arms and observed her for a few minutes. My mother rested sandwiches around the blanket, offered them to each shrub, and laughed out loud as if she had just heard a very funny joke. Untangling them from the thick gold hoops on her ears, she flipped her long black curls, and sang to the plants with her squeaky voice, her arms opened toward the warm sun.
I cringed and looked away, deciding it was time for me to pretend I didn’t see her crazy(you use crazy several times in these first words – mix it up) stunts, like I had been doing for all my life.
Out of nowhere, a thick cloud blocked the sun and a cold wind blew on my neck. I turned around and gasped.
B’s notes: This is a fun beginning. I love her mother. Ha. The voice is great and it flows well. Love the cliffhanger at the end. Wonderful!
I hope this helps!
Remember this is subjective and others’ may feel differently. So I’ll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing … be nice, which I’m sure you all will be, but I have to say it … you know.