It’s now the seventh day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.
Next up is …
Title: Temple Falls
Genre: MG Fantasy
Word count: 55,000
Law says girls can’t rule Chernadova. But they can still talk to the Gods; and those Gods are angry. From the clues the Gods send into her dreams, Nara, one-time princess, thinks she knows how to stop the plagues battering the kingdom. Damian, a crippled commoner, has other ideas. Nara must work with her nemesis to appease the Gods before the plagues annihilate Chernadova.
B’s notes: This is a great pitch, but we were calling for 35-word loglines. Check out this site on loglines here: http://www.writersstore.com/writing-loglines-that-sell. If you want to write one and post it in the comments below, I’ll critique it.
Nara pushed her way through the soup of darkness. Her shoes clicked against the marble pathway towards the royal palace. The darkness covered her like a thick cloak, weighing her down; even though it was only lunch time. The absence of daylight still unsettled Nara. It had been like this for several weeks.
B’s notes: This is well written and I like what’s going on here, but it sounds a little too old for MG. I think it’s the last two sentences. Make sure to pick appropriate verbs for the age group. I don’t know the character’s age other than that you mention it’s an MG above. But by this beginning, I thought she was an adult.
But she knew how to fix it.
And she would tell her stupid cousin, even though he hardly deserved it. Anything was better than living under a dark cloud all day, every day.
B’s notes: The voice is great in this paragraph. If you could inject this attitude above and below, it would bring out the voice better there.
It was strange coming to the palace without her escorts of maidens and royal guardsmen. But now that Nara and her mom were no longer palace residents, the entourage was gone. The guardsman at the palace gate, a fellow by the name of Warner who Nara had known since birth, bowed his head slightly as he pushed open the heavy iron gate letting Nara inside.
B’s notes: In MG the voice is very important. It has to have the attitude of the age in it. You have it above. Make sure you spread it through out your manuscript. I definitely love this premise!
I hope this helps!
Remember this is subjective and others’ may feel differently. So I’ll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing … be nice, which I’m sure you all will be, but I have to say it … you know.