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DOGGONE VOICE: RELIC

Friday, 29 June 2012  |  Posted by Brenda
 

 

Title: RELIC
Genre: YA Fantasy
I’ve died this way before.

Before, I stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time. But now, from the burning in the stranger’s eyes, I know he has every intention of killing me.

I wonder, does he see her too?

Her name is Far. All my life, I have been haunted by memories. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them.

Far’s memories are the clearest, so close to the surface that sometimes I believe they’re my memories. That I am Far. That she is me.

Of course that can’t be true. I’m not Far.

I’m not.

But I can’t let it go. I can’t convince myself that I’m my own, separate person when one crucial piece of evidence is missing:Far never died. Her life cut short as if she ceased to exist.

And I can’t help but think it is has something to do with me.

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to recall how it feels to be stabbed. For once, the memories don’t appear.

His footsteps behind me grow louder. When I try to push myself up from the forest floor, my chest smashes back to the ground.

The footsteps stop. I hear his breathing behind me. A heavy inhale. A slow, relaxed exhale. I can’t see him, but I think he’s smiling.

Filed: Misc, Workshops

5 Comments
  • Leigh Ann says:

    First line – BAM. You’ve got me. I’m yours for a few pages, at least. Gotta find out what the heck she’s talking about.

    And then…yeah. I have no complaints. This is PERFECT. You somehow managed to give me an insane amount of background and make me FEEL like I was in your MC’s head. I think it was the fast-paced sentences, and the mixture of live-experience reporting and background information.

    YAY!!! This is how it’s done, in my book.

  • Amanda Foody says:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Marieke says:

    What an absolutely wonderful start and what a wonderful voice. I feel like I’m right there with the MC as the action unfolds, while knowing enough to understand what’s happening.

    Right now, I’m very intrigued by your MC. Her? voice is distinct and that perfect balance between active and reflective. My only point of worry is that after this opening, I would like to be more grounded in the rest of the story too. Based on this I’m convinced you’re a very talented writer and you know well how to keep the balance, but I just wanted to point it out to you. You give a lot of information in these first 250, give the reader some time to digest it too.

    After all, based on this I believe I already know your MC and I am totally and completely hooked. So you have a little room to play with 🙂 GREAT job!

  • Brenda Drake says:

    The voice is very good here, and I’m intrigued by the opening. That said, I’m confused, though. Is the guy trying to murder her or murder Far? Is this just a vision she’s having? The way she wonders if the guy can see Far makes me think he’s trying to kill our MC. I’m thinking I’d make that clearer.

    I think the fourth paragraph would read better if you separated it like this…

    ‘Her name is Far.

    All my life, I have been haunted by memories. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them.’

    This story is very intriguing, and hopefully, frightening. Loved it!

  • callmebecks says:

    I agree that this is a great voice and a very strong opening, right from the first line. It’s vivid, it’s interesting, it’s intriguing. There’s a strong sense of character and scene without telling. My only few notes are below.

    IN-LINE CRITS:

    I’ve died this way before. (Really well-played.)

    Before, I stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time. But now, from the burning in the stranger’s eyes, I know he has every intention of killing me.

    I wonder, does he see her too?

    Her name is Far. All my life, I have been haunted by memories. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them.

    Far’s memories are the clearest, so close to the surface that sometimes I believe they’re my memories. That I am Far. That she is me.

    Of course that can’t be true. I’m not Far.

    I’m not.

    But I can’t let it go. I can’t convince myself that I’m my own, separate person when one crucial piece of evidence is missing: Far never died. Her life cut short as if she ceased to exist. (This part confuses me. She never died, but her life was cut short? It seems to be a contradiction. It’s possible that it makes sense as the story goes on, but careful of that line between lyrically parceling out the plot and being so vague and mysterious that readers give up. I certainly wouldn’t give up here by a longshot; it’s more just something to keep an eye on overall.)

    And I can’t help but think it is has something to do with me.

    I squeeze my eyes shut and try to recall how it feels to be stabbed. For once, the memories don’t appear.

    His footsteps behind me grow louder. When I try to push myself up from the forest floor, my chest smashes back to the ground. (Why? Because her arms are tired and give out? Or because something is pressing down on her? It might just be me, but this detail makes a difference.)

    The footsteps stop. I hear his breathing behind me. A heavy inhale. A slow, relaxed exhale. I can’t see him, but I think he’s smiling.

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