Genre: Science Fiction
Word Count: 80,000
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation for my novel, NUMBER BLUE, a work of Science Fiction complete at 80,000 words.
Viz can use her as a weapon or he can help her escape but, with the city’s freedom at stake, either choice makes him a monster. Kiki will win him the war, unless she wins his heart first.
For years, Viz has been fighting with the rebellion for freedom, a fight made personal by the murder of his mother. The only way to bring down the dictator ruling the planet’s last city, Amerith, is to steal his mind-control device and use it against him. But Viz finds out the “device” is actually Kiki, a human woman with genetically enhanced abilities, and his resolve falters. Kiki’s power could mean the end of Amerith’s suffering, but forcing her to become a weapon would turn Viz into the tyrant he is trying to defeat.
Aside from a B.A. in English Writing, my credits include three poems published in literary magazine Elm City Review, two articles in entertainment newsletter CT Splash,and two “small stones” in the e-zine, A Handful of Stones.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work. I look forward to hearing from you.
Breaking in was easy. If the guard had taken some time to examine the identification card presented to him, he might have noticed that Louis Hollander was a redhead. The man standing in front of him was not. The real Louis Hollander was home with a mysterious stomach bug that had come on quite suddenly and left him running to the restroom every half hour to vomit.Mr. Hollander wouldn’t discover until the next day that his ID was missing, and then only because his manager would call to ask why he’d broken into a restricted area and stolen a valuable piece of technology. The innocent Mr. Hollander would be severely punished for losing his ID to a member of the rebellion. Viz Gerodi tried not to let this bother him. Sacrifices had to be made for the Cause.
The guard looked Viz over briefly as he walked through what resembled a metal detector from the old days. After the initial gateway, there wasn’t a guard in sight. The winding passages and labyrinthine layout he had come to expect were nowhere to be found. There were signs to direct him at every corner, maps pinpointing his exact location wherever he looked. His identity went unquestioned, though no one in the facility had ever seen him before. What had happened to the stories of an impenetrable fortress, teeming with guards, hidden doorways, and retinal scanners? They trusted their security measures blindly. It was too easy. Was he walking into a trap?
Who is her? That was my first question. Tell us straight off who that is, when you don’t we’re left guessing. In fact, I like the second paragraph as a start much better. The first one just confuses me. This query flows well after that and sets up everything nicely. I love the line about forcing her to become a weapon would turn Viz into the tyrant he is trying to defeat.
This is a decent start. The writing’s good. I like the explanation of who the real Louis Hollander was. You’ve set up some nice tension. We know Viz is part of a rebellion and that he’s just snuck into some tightly (well supposed to be) secure place. I’m wondering what he’s about to do. I read all of this, but I’m on the fence about asking for more. I think I need to know more about what/who they are fighting for.
Thank you for sharing your work ;o)
Thanks so much for taking the time to do this! The feedback is invaluable and it’s exciting to see my work from someone else’s point of view.