Next up is …
Name: DL Hammons
Title: Fallen Knight
Word count: 105,000. B’s notes: You might be a little over the mark with this word count. Check out these sites about word count here and here.
The Knights, middle-age friends, team with a female Private Investigator to find the person who attacked one of their group. Instead they stumble across a psychological killer intent on recreating high profile atrocities,including Columbine.
B’s notes: You have some great information in this pitch, but I’m not connecting to it. Who is your MC? Does he fall for the female PI? What kind of group are the Knights? Do they ride Harley’s? How was one of the group members attacked? I think the disconnect is because I don’t know who’s going to tell the story. A logline works best as a one-sentence pitch. A good formula to follow is… When such and such happens, the main character must do this in order to accomplish this. If you need more help with this, tell me more about your story in the comments and I’ll give it a shot.
B’s additional notes: After getting more information from DL, I gave his logline a shot. I’m not sure if this works, so please chime in down in the comments to help out. So here it is…
Today was the day.
B’s notes: This first line doesn’t hook. Today was the day for what? I’d add something more enticing to this sentence.
Brady Jones told himself the same thing every morning. Deep down, he knew it was simply lip service, a way of puffing up his confidence and reminding him that on any given day, his life could change for the better. Just as it had in the other direction. He supposed he was like one of those people who bought lottery tickets every week, always looking forward to the possibilities. Like them, he never wasted time worrying about the countless days when his prediction had turned out to be false, preferring to remain optimistic. After all, the change he hoped for didn’t have to be anything earth shattering. Nowadays, his expectations were set pretty low.
B’s notes: The writing flows nicely in this excerpt. I’m just waiting for something to happen.
This morning was different, though. He actually believed his pep talk. Self-assurance surged through him. It was already May, and the end of the school year was just a few weeks away.
B’s notes: The writing is good here, but there isn’t anything drawing me into your story. What is unique about your MC? All I get from this is that he’s down on his luck and hopes things get better. Who are the Knights? I think your story starts someplace else. Maybe when the friend is murdered? Or possibly at a Knight get together. Check the next few pages or chapters to see if there is a better scene to start with. I’ve cut pages and sometimes chapters to find the perfect starting point in my stories. Remember, if this is important to the story, you can always add it in later after we are connected to it.
I hope this helps!