It’s day three of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.
And next up …
Name: Mara Rae
Title: Forever Friday B’s note: I love this title
Genre: YA Paranormal
Word Count: 85,500
When Friday discovers she isn’t just an immortal, but also the only one capable of killing another, she must leave everyone she loves or risk becoming a deadly weapon in the world’s oldest blood feud.
B’s note: Love the pitch! Love the name. Love that she’s an immortal and can kill other immortals. Love that she can be used as a deadly weapon. Perfect!
Nothing lasts forever.
B’s note: This is too cliche for my tastes – You can use this phrase but I would mix it up and make it your own. Especially since it’s your first line and your hook. Something like…
‘Not even immortals last forever.’
I’m sure you can come up with something better that fits your story.
That’s what my mom would have (you could use a contraction here – would’ve) said if she’d been there. She was always full of those little bits of grown-up wisdom, the kind that sound so good in theory but don’t really make you feel any better. Disappointment, heartache, anger; they all fade eventually. Even diamonds don’t really last forever. If she’d been there, my mom would have (would’ve) told me that the razor-sharp pain of grief would some day wither to a dull ache, and finally, to nothing at all. But she couldn’t, because she was gone.
Un milagro, they called me. A miracle. I heard the nurses whisper it to each other as they passed my hospital room. I saw it on the news for three days before my story was overshadowed by celebrity gossip and political scandals. And it was the first thing the Chilean doctor said to me when my scan results came back normal.
B’s notes: Great excerpt! I’d just work on that first line. Was she in an accident with her mother and her mother died and she didn’t? How did she survive? You really got me wanting to turn the page and read on.
I hope this helps!
Remember this is subjective and others’ may feel differently. So I’ll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing … be nice, which I’m sure you all will be, but I have to say it … you know.