Today is the second day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I will be critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.
Next up is …
Name: Jani Grey
Genre: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 73,000
It’s easy to build a reputation as an infamous thief when nobody knows your secret, but soon Fairley will have to employ her talent for using mirrors as doorways to save her freedom and herself.
B’s notes: Infamous thief. Talent to make mirrors into doorways. Oh my! Fun. This is near perfect, except the ending ‘to save her freedom and herself’. Maybe just end it at ‘save herself’. Is that the only goal in the story? To save herself and get free? Is there another one? I tend to ask a lot of questions when critiquing pitches. It helps to know more and whittle it down to less. Work on getting that last part more exciting. You can run it by me again if you want.
One of the most beautiful mirrors I’d seen in a long time stood at the end of a pathway in a cluttered antique store, and it took my breath away. It had twisting, curling detail all around its edges and the frame shone midnight black. The paint flecked in places revealing a red the color of rich wine. My fingers moved over the metal then skimmed over the reflecting surface, tracing patterns in the dust that covered it. I wanted it.
I was so deep in thought I didn’t even realize when my fingers went right through the surface of the mirror without breaking it. I jerked my hand back out and scanned the area for any unwanted spectators,(remove comma) but found nobody. Relief eased my tight shoulders somewhat but didn’t release all the tension there.
The walk back to the front of the shop was quick since I took a route I’d familiarized myself with over the last couple of months.
I love the premise of this story, it sounds exciting. Though this is well written, the opening page doesn’t draw me in. I don’t believe this is where your story begins. Every manuscript I’ve written, I end up cutting away several pages (even chapters) to get to the correct starting point. You want to capture your reader (and an agent) right off. The first sentence isn’t a good enough hook to do the job either. You can always put this scene in later, if it’s needed. You could probably even keep this scene if you showed us what happened. Make it exciting. Show us her fright. It’s so quick — she puts her hand through the mirror, draws it back, and is relieved — I’m impassive about it. Actually, paragraph two might be a good place to start with more details and emotions added. All and all, I think this idea is great!
I hope this helps! <3
Remember this is subjective and others’ may feel differently. So I’ll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing … be nice, which I’m sure you all will be, but I have to say it … you know.