We’ve made it to the 8th day of our pitch workshop. Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.
Next up is …
Title: Soul Therapy (Love this title!)
Genre: YA Fiction with a fantasy twist (Pick a genre – YA Paranormal Romance, perhaps?)
Word count: 55,000
Anxiety-ridden Jessica finds an herbalist to help her calm down. After drinking medicinal tea, Jessica falls into a deep meditation where she meets Luke, who she falls in love with. However, Luke might not exist.
B’s notes: Love this! I’m hooked. Great premise.
Jessica slumped in her seat. Her mother gripped the wheel, eyes set dead ahead, unwavering. Jessica had grown to know that look so well. It was when her mother got lost in thoughts of her father. The divorce papers seemed to take a lifetime to go through, but really, he was just gone one day. Her mother never really could get over that.
“Okay,well, I’m going to go inside, alright?” Other students flooded into the high school off of busses (buses). At least her mother worked
so early enough in the morning that Jessica could get a ride. “Mom?” Jessica ran her fingertips over her mother’s white knuckles.
Her mother gave her the sideways glance and that sweet smile, used to cover up anything wrong.
“Have fun.” Her eyes shifted back, out (Did her eyes go out the windshield? I’d rework this. ‘Her gaze returned to the windshield, unregistering.’) the windshield, unregistering.
“I’ll try.” Jessica snatched up her bag and got out of the car. She closed the door with a bit too much force.
B’s notes: This is written well, but it doesn’t hook. Teens won’t want to read about a mother and her divorce. You can have this later, once you’ve pulled your reader into your story. I’d start with a scene that a teen would like. Say, a class, gym, cafeteria scene. Mom can come on stage later, once your reader connects to your character and her life away from the parental units. What happens after mom leaves? Start there.
I hope this helps!
Remember this is subjective and others’ may feel differently. So I’ll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing … be nice, which I’m sure you all will be, but I have to say it … you know.