Over the next few weeks, some really special friends of mine are stopping by to critique participants’ love scenes. Please join us and find out what’s working and what’s not with our lucky winners’ scenes.
And here’s something about my next guest …
When Summer isn’t doing her mom and wife thing, you can find her gaining world domination on Twitter as @fizzygrrl talking about whatever a world dominatrix talks about. She writes Women’s Fiction and dabbles in YA when she’s feeling “froggy” for it. You will find her fluency in profanity present in ALL THESE THINGS. Summer is repped by the unfathomably brilliant Sarah LaPolla of Curtis Brown, Ltd. Check out Summer’s blog here and go like her on Facebook here.
She’ll be at the Midwest Writers Workshop, July 25-27, in Muncie, Indiana. If you’re in the area stop by and meet her. It’s where she met her agent!
Summer’s critiques …
TITLE: The Lights in the Sky are Stars
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Dar reached out, hooking his arm around the back of her knees, and drew her down to him. She fell on top of him, almost sitting in his lap, her feet tangled with his legs.
She didn’t know what he was doing until he pushed her skirt away from her knee and placed a kiss upon her scar. Evie gasped at the feel of his warm lips on her cold knees. He lifted his lips away, his eyes on her next scar. She felt like she’d burst into a million particles when his lips found the scar on her shoulder. It was a long scar so he trailed tiny kisses from its beginning to its end, tracing the scar from her shoulder to her neck. The positioning here was a little confusing to me. I imagined her sitting on his lap and was confused how he was kissing her knee. I understand the imagery of the scars, but it felt repetitive using the word over and over. Also, I would change the word “knees” when he kisses her. I was picturing him trying to kiss both at once, 😉
When he was finished, Evie realized what would come next and gulped, wide-eyed as his eyes fell upon her lips.
She closed her eyes, trembling all over. She only had to wait a second, but it was the most excruciating second of her life. This was saucy!
Finally, his lips rested against hers, achingly soft.
He’d obviously aimed for the scar because his lips pressed against her bottom lip more than her top, and she knew as her hands came up to brush his cheeks—rough compared to his lips—that she wanted more of his lips, of him, of everything. Very nice.
She thought maybe he’d move away, having finished his kisses, but his lips remained still, lightly brushing her own.
“I feel a lot better,” she joked, her breath caught against his mouth.
“I don’t,” he said, and then he was kissing her, hard. His hands cupped her cheeks as her fingers tangled in his hair. If Dar’s lips were soft, hers felt raw and puckered. She imagined her lips were made thick from kissing. I didn’t care for the last line as much, but the rest of that is solid! Well done!
TITLE: BECOMING JINN
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
If only my mind weren’t jumbled with my own thoughts, I might be able to focus on reading his.
But I don’t need to. What Nate wants is written all over his suntanned face. It boils down to three little words: me, kiss, you. Surely if I expended the effort to actually read his mind, he’d be more eloquent than that. Doesn’t matter, for these purposes, “me, kiss, you” is more than enough. This made me swoon a little.
The sand shifts underneath us as he presses the length of his body against mine. His hand rests on the rivets of my denim skirt, gently cupping my hip as I fall flat against the blanket. Careful not to rest his full weight, he uses his swimmer’s arms to suspend himself above me. (The “swimmer’s arms” wording seems a little off to me. Maybe just saying muscular or similar.) He positions his head in line with mine and lowers himself toward me. I hesitate before dismissing my fleeting thought to start the wish-granting ritual right now. Granting his wish to kiss me seems like cheating. Not to mention what would happen if he wished for more. If he wished to do more, to be with me, to really be with me, would I grant it? Would I have to grant it? Would I want to grant it? Would it make me a Jinn prostitute if I granted it? I dig this part. I love the crazy train of thoughts right before a smooch, 😉
Our lips touch, and all thoughts of his wishes leave my mind. For once, I’m granting my own wish. And that wish is to be right here, kissing Nate. *swoon*
Turns out I really am one talented Jinn. My wish comes true for so long that when I open my eyes, I’m surprised the sun isn’t rising.
Though my thong has remained unseen, the same cannot be said of the matching lace bra. I’m laying on Nate’s bare chest as he runs his finger along my collarbone. The underwear talk seemed like it pulled me out of the scene, but the rest of this is stellar! Very nice!!
Come back tomorrow for more love scene critiques!
Comments welcome! As always, be respectful and kind with your comments.
So many great entries! And I love the insightful and careful critiques. Well done!
Thanks Summer! I am happy to have made you swoon, if even a little!
Lori @_lagold (Becoming Jinn)
Thanks Summer for your AMARZing critiquing skills. 🙂
Axie @ Book are Bread
(The Lights in the Sky are Stars)
I’m loving all of these! I have such a hard time writing these scenes. It’s very helpful to see what works and what doesn’t work as well.
All of these entries had seriously good elements. I’d keep on reading them all.