Genre: YA Fantasy w/ Paranormal elements (WIP)
Blah, blah, blahbity, blah.
I suppose our tour guide used actual words instead of gibberish, but I stopped paying attention about twenty minutes ago. Meanwhile, the rest of my classmates stood entranced, staring at their surroundings like they’d never seen anything so amazing in their lives — complete with the requisite oohs and aaahs. Honestly. It’s a castle. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all. They’re big, they’re gaudy, they’re like bad leftovers (no one wants to eat them and no one wants to throw them away), and they’re places I’ve wandered about since I was old enough walk around on my own without tripping and falling — and thus breaking — some priceless heirloom.
No, I’m not a princess or anything remotely akin to royalty. I have the unfortunate luck of being the daughter of two of the leading experts in Neo-European monarchs and palaces. You know those stupid docuvids on Travel and History channelboxes about the top ten most interesting castles to visit in Neo-Europe? Well, if you got caught up in one, then you’ve seen my parents jabbering away. Mom and dad can’t get enough of anything gold leafed, gaudy, and tapestry covered. I wish I could blame this obsession on the fact that my very American father married my very Britlandish mother and he fell in love with all things foreign — but fact remains that my father met my mother while he was examining the woodworking inside New Cardiff Castle.
It was love at first sight. Gag me.
Okay! Nice work on this one! Even though the first couple paragraphs are VERY info-dumpy (and I assume you’ll change that before you sub) this really does read like a transcription of a teenager talking. The words and the rhythm of speech are just THERE. I feel like this is an entry that you took the time to read aloud to make sure it sounded natural, or it’s a VERY good fake. 😉
Just a thought – break up the paragraphs a little more, like her speech is. Easier on the eyes.
I’ll throw out my parenthetical warning again here – be deliberate with your use of parentheticals as you move through the WiP. Make sure that the character is using them consistently – for the same reason, for example, maybe when she’s observing a detail about setting, or when she’s snarking about something. Otherwise, your parenthetical use will not be “voice” but instead just be “sloppy writing.” 😀
Um, a comment on your genre first: fantasy implies paranormal elements. 😉
Other than that, the first paragraph made me smile. The voice is pitch perfect, although a little expository. I loved the snarky comments!
Reading the second, I felt my attention wander. There is nothing wrong with the paragraph as such–I think it would make a cute addition later on in the story. But because you have a strong voice, I feel like I already know a lot about the MC based on the first half. I want to know what’s happening now, instead of hearing what is, if I’m honest, nothing more than backstory.
Having said that, if you give me a few more active details to hook me, I’d so read on!
There’s definitely some strong, solid voice in here, but it’s too much of an infodump in my opinion. One paragraph is fine, but after that, I’d love to see some interactions – with other characters or her environment or something.
IN-LINE CRITS
Blah, blah, blahbity, blah.
I suppose our tour guide used actual words instead of gibberish, but (Part of me wants you to start here.)I stopped paying attention about twenty minutes ago. Meanwhile, the rest of my classmates stood entranced, staring at their surroundings like they’d never seen anything so amazing in their lives — complete with the requisite oohs and aaahs. (I have a little trouble believing that an entire high school class would be fascinated by a castle. There would at least be a few that would be equally bored because history + old things = blah. Honestly, I think you can cut this line entirely without losing anything.) Honestly. It’s a castle. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all. They’re big, they’re gaudy, they’re like bad leftovers (no one wants to eat them and no one wants to throw them away), (I LOVE this.) and they’re places I’ve wandered about since I was old enough walk around on my own without tripping and falling — and thus breaking — some priceless heirloom.
No, I’m not a princess or anything remotely akin to royalty. (Personal preference: A first-person MC breaking the fourth wall turns me off as a reader. It’s kind of like those rhetorical “Have you ever wondered…” questions.) I have the unfortunate luck of being the daughter of two of the leading experts in Neo-European monarchs and palaces. You know those stupid docuvids on Travel and History channelboxes about the top ten most interesting castles to visit in Neo-Europe? Well, if you got caught up in one, then you’ve seen my parents jabbering away. Mom and dad can’t get enough of anything gold leafed, gaudy, and tapestry covered. I wish I could blame this obsession on the fact that my very American father married my very Britlandish mother and he fell in love with all things foreign — but fact remains that my father met my mother while he was examining the woodworking inside New Cardiff Castle. (I would vote to cut this paragraph and work this information in elsewhere. I don’t need the MC to sit down and tell me all of this right away, and I’d rather move onto the good stuff.)
It was love at first sight. Gag me.
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OKAY. Here’s the revised version. Moved some stuff around and broke it up as per-critiques!
Blah, blah, blahbity, blah.
I suppose our tour guide used actual words instead of gibberish, but I stopped paying attention about twenty minutes ago. Meanwhile, the rest of my classmates who chose to come stood entranced, staring at their surroundings like they’d never seen anything so amazing in their lives. Honestly. It’s a castle. They’re big, they’re gaudy, they’re like bad leftovers (no one wants to eat them and no one wants to throw them away), and they’re places I’ve wandered about since I was old enough walk around on my own without tripping and falling — and thus breaking — some priceless heirloom.
“Excellent tapestries, blah yadda yadda blaaaaah.”
Someone please stab me in the eye with a dull spoon. Anything would be more exciting than listening to this elderly man jabbering on about this seven armed candelabra.
“And now,” I muttered under my breath, “if you proceed through this corridor, you will see prime examples of the NeoEuropean décor.”
Tina stepped on my foot before the tour guide could hear me mocking him.
I have the unfortunate luck of being the daughter of two of the leading experts in NeoEuropean monarchs and palaces. Mom and dad can’t get enough of anything gold leafed, gaudy, and tapestry covered. I wish I could say this obsession started when my very American father married my very Britlandish mother — but my father met my mother while on assignment at New Cardiff Castle.
It was love at first sight. Gag me.
I love this voice. I’m all about snark, but be careful to not over do it through out the rest of the story. I have a few suggestions.
First, at the end of the first paragraph the emdashes don’t read right for me. I’d rework it like this (…and falling — and thus–breaking some priceless heirloom) or (… and falling, and thus, breaking some priceless heirloom)It could just be my ear and you could feel differently than me, but I just wanted to point that out. Oh and you’re missing “to” in “I was old enough “to” walk around…”
Next, would her friend step on her foot? I’d kick some butt if someone did that. Maybe she’d elbow her or something. I don’t know. This is preference also, I guess.
Anyway, this is great and I’m intrigued at what will happen to the MC here. Excellent job!