Welcome to day two of After the Madness Workshop! Shelley Watters, Erica Chapman, the writers at YAtopia, and myself will critique the first 250 words of two brave writers’ manuscripts per day for the next seven to eight days. There are four blogs joining in to offer up suggestions. Click on my partners’ sites in my sidebar to view the other critiques.
And next up is …
B-4 Carmen Brack
My heart was beating frantically, making me dizzy with the deafening rush of blood in my ears Okay. Breathe, Seb. Just breathe.
Fuck it. How was that supposed to be hands-on help?! B’s notes: I don’t know about this sentence. What does he mean by hands-on help? For himself? And do you really need this punctuation. Show us he’s freaked by his actions instead. As if I wasn’t breathing all the time anyway. As if I had a choice. I fidgeted once more, trying to glance at my reflection in the mirror over my shoulder, trying to reach my upper back with my hands. Hesitating to touch, scared of what… they… B’s notes: the eclipses aren’t working here, maybe try italicizing ‘they’ instead. might feel like. With a huff, I decided to just get it over with. I carefully lowered my hands over the area between my shoulder blades to touch the abomination that I discovered when I got up this morning. B’s notes: Why didn’t you start with the first time he found the abomination?
They were like silk to the touch. Feathery. Frail.
It was unmistakable. A pair of butterfly wings was growing on my back. They were small so far, but they felt organic. Embedded into my skin and muscles and bones. Somehow, I knew that they were now irrevocably a part of me. Unwelcome as they sure as hell were, I could not bring myself to try and cut them off just yet. Not knowing what else to do, I left the bathroom and walked over to my closet, dodging the heaps of random stuff littering my floor. I chose a big, loose shirt in the hope that no one would notice a bulk of any sort. I would also have to somehow avoid any well-meant pats on the back from my friends. My cheeks heated B’s notes: Would a guy think about his cheeks heating up? I’m thinking not, but I could be completely wrong. up just thinking about it. They couldn’t ever find out. I’d never live the “fairy boy” comments down.
B’s notes: This was funny and I enjoyed reading it. Great job!
Remember this is subjective and others’ may feel differently. So I’ll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing … be nice, which I’m sure you all will be, but I have to say it … you know.