Title: Terrorist Dawn
Genre: YA Thriller
I take a deep breath and settle the crosshairs on the man I’m about to kill. I have made this shot hundreds if not thousands of times. Just not in real life only in video games. I have never killed a man before. I’ve never even been in a fight before but I’m on the verge of killing a man. Someone who deserves to die. This man has killed before. He has killed fathers, brothers, sisters, and even mothers. This man definitely deserves to die. [Okay. This is decent, but I think you can make it much stronger. Start the paragraph with a punchy first line, like: “Someone should’ve warned me that killing in video games is way easier than in real life.” Or something similar. Also, beware of info-dumping. You’re just throwing background at us; weave it into the action, don’t just tell us.]
I turn and vomit [vomiting? Maybe it’s just me, but I find this an odd reaction. I’d think he’d be shaking like crazy, but not vomiting.] into the bushes beside me not even worrying about who killed the man instead of me. It doesn’t takes me long to empty my stomach since there is a lot of food in there. It hasn’t been too long since I had a full meal.
Overall, this can be good, but it needs more work. Add more tension and make sure to keep it succinct and punchy. This can be an awesome scene, but the info-dumping is clogging it up. Get to the meat, get to the action. And good luck!
* Comments are welcomed. Each critique comment you make on the entries’ posts, is an entry into the drawing to win one of five 500 word critiques from me (Brenda). It can be ANY 250 words — your query, the first page, or a page any where in the manuscript that you want a second pair of eyes on.
