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Super Intern Contest – THE UNLEASHING

Wednesday, 13 June 2012  |  Posted by Brenda Drake

Genre: YA Paranormal Suspense with Romantic Elements
Word Count: 75,000

Dear Super Intern,

High school senior Alita sees herself at Princeton; taking tests, meeting boys, not developing psychic powers, not crushing on a boy who saves her from a psycho who wants said powers, and definitely not unleashing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The ability to manipulate any form of energy that’s triggered on her eighteenth birthday doesn’t just ruin her Princeton dreams – it earns her a stalker who wants her power, baits her, and uses her lack of control of the ability to unleash the Four Horsemen. Violence, disease, and insanity ravage her town. But it’s not all doom and gloom. A dreamy boy named Alexareus teaches her to control her power.

She can fix it all. She can send the Horsemen back to whatever stinking hellhole they came from. All it takes is sacrificing Alexareus.

The Horsemen take him, and they vow that if they have to go, so does her love.

THE UNLEASHING, complete at 75,000 words, is a YA paranormal suspense laced with a helping of steamy romance.

250-word excerpt:

I clutched my head, wincing in pain. No, please no. Not again. Why does this keep happening? The throbbing intensified. I pushed my chair away from the desk, trying not to draw attention to myself. My heart hammered with erratic beats. I flashed Mrs. Thompson a weak smile, as if I was merely going to the bathroom. She eyed me curiously, but didn’t pause in her lecture on mythology.

I ducked into the hallway and leaned against the wall. Bending over and bracing my hands on my knees, I took a deep breath. Searing heat pooled in my stomach.

Don’t throw up. It’ll pass. Calm down.

Another breath. Another. It didn’t help.

The light above me flickered. A harsh thumping echoed in my ears and images flashed in my mind. Each sound conjured a new image. My eyes stung with fresh tears. I covered them, trying to block out the pain and panic.

Thump.

Mobs of men attacked each other.

Thump.

Fires ravaged forests, fields, and cities.

Thump.

People covered in black sores died where they fell.

Thump.

“Are you alright?” a voice asked. A gentle hand touched my shoulder.

The pain stopped. My pulse calmed and stomach settled. The images and drumming ceased. I sighed in relief, uncovering my eyes to see a boy I didn’t recognize.

“I’m fine.” The words were barely coherent. I straightened. My cheeks warmed and I wiped my eyes before hurrying back into the room, wishing I could run much farther away. Being branded some freak extraordinaire was the last thing I needed right now.

Filed: Contests, Misc

4 Comments
  • I don’t think you need the romantic elements part of the genre. YA Paranormal Suspense is fine. I think the agents assume with YA we will have romance.

    QUERY

    I like the unleashing of the Four Horseman. But, if I’m being honest this plot line seems a bit overdone. What makes your story unique? That’s what you want to focus on. I like your voice in this, but make sure the tone is the same throughout the novel.

    250

    I like your voice and style of this 250. I’m kind of a fan of the quick sentence. I also like the rhythm of this passage. It was easy to read. It also introduced us to the violence I’m assuming we’re going to see eventually. I’m a bit burnt out on paranormal, but I do like the writing. I’m not sure there’s enough unique stuff in this according to the query. Another one I’d be on the fence about.

    Thank you for sharing your work ;o)

  • I don’t think you need the romantic elements part of the genre. YA Paranormal Suspense is fine. I think the agents assume with YA we will have romance.

    QUERY

    I like the unleashing of the Four Horseman. But, if I’m being honest this plot line seems a bit overdone. What makes your story unique? That’s what you want to focus on. I like your voice in this, but make sure the tone is the same throughout the novel.

    250

    I like your voice and style of this 250. I’m kind of a fan of the quick sentence. I also like the rhythm of this passage. It was easy to read. It also introduced us to the violence I’m assuming we’re going to see eventually. I’m a bit burnt out on paranormal, but I do like the writing. I’m not sure there’s enough unique stuff in this according to the query. Another one I’d be on the fence about.

    Thank you for sharing your work ;o)

  • Amanda says:

    I’m glad you liked the writing. So you liked the Four Horsemen aspect, but the plot is overdone? What’s overdone? The coming into power, stalker, boy? All three? haha

    Is the Horsemen aspect not unique enough on it’s own?

  • I think it was mostly the power coming on her birthday and the boy guiding her. I like the horseman aspect and I think it’s unique, I just think the one person having the power thing is overdone. I really liked your 250 though ;o)

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