SEMI-FINALIST – 6

Name: Jared Larson
Title: I’m Here to Save Your Day
Genre: MG Adventure/Humor
I never lie. Never. I’m all about telling the truth. A long time ago,
there was this man named George Washington who told his dad he
couldn’t lie. And then the guy became President of the United States.
I’m exactly the same way. If I lived way back then, George and me…
we’d be best bros’ forever. I’m sure of it.
And yeah, I’ll admit it. I’ve been bullied. But, I bet George had been
too, especially on his first day at a new school.
I hated first days.
I looked at my mom with big glossy eyes (well, one eye actually…
yeah, I wear an eye-patch, so what?) as wide as I could make it,
staring behind my glasses.
“Just one more day,” I pleaded. “Please, Mom? Don’t make me suffer like this.”
She smiled and took her hands off the steering wheel of our kickin’
awesome Honda mini-van. Well, Mom thought it was awesome anyway. I’d
rather have her hauling me around in a red Ferrari or something.
She patted me on the cheek. “You’ll do great, Bo. Now, you don’t want
to be late.”
She always insisted I be on time. Ugh.
“But, Mom,” I said, “school doesn’t start until eight. It’s only seven
thirty-five.”
She smiled and leaned over, giving me a big mom hug. “You need to sign
in at the Administrations Office. They’re expecting you.” She paused,
tapping her lips with a purple fingernail. “Well, maybe I should go
with you.”

1 comment to SEMI-FINALIST – 6

  • Cat

    I like the voice, but in some places it feels a bit forced. Take this bit:
    “I looked at my mom with big glossy eyes (well, one eye actually… yeah, I wear an eye-patch, so what?) as wide as I could make it, staring behind my glasses.”
    The sentence is very long and the parentheses distract from the meaning, making it more difficult to understand. Also, as 1st person POV, he wouldn’t notice the glossy-ness of his eye because he can’t see himself.
    I think with some careful revision this could be really intriguing.

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