Over the next few weeks, some really special friends of mine are stopping by to critique participants’ love scenes. Please join us and find out what’s working and what’s not with our lucky winners’ scenes.
And here’s something about my next guest …
Twitter: @msheatherwebb
Heather Webb is the author of BECOMING JOSEPHINE, her debut historical coming from (Plume/Penguin 2014). A freelance editor and blogger, she spends oodles of time helping writers hone their skills—something she adores. You may find her Twittering @msheatherwebb, hosting contests and author interviews on her blog (www.heatherwebb.net/blog), or hanging around RomanceUniversity.org as a contributor to the Editor’s Posts.
Find her novel on GoodReads! (http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/16436495-becoming-josephine)
Book Blurb:
Rose sails from Martinique to Paris to trade her plantation ways and Creole black magic culture for love and adventure. But her haughty Parisian husband dashes her hopes when he abandons her amid the tumult of the French Revolution. Through her savoir faire, Rose secures her footing in high society, reveling in handsome men and glitzy balls—until the heads of her friends begin to roll.
After narrowly escaping death in the blood-drenched cells of Les Carmes prison, she reinvents herself as Josephine, a socialite of status and power. Yet her youth is fading, and Josephine must choose between a precarious independence and the love of an awkward suitor. Little does she know, he would become the most powerful man of his century- Napoleon Bonaparte.
BECOMING JOSEPHINE is a novel of one woman’s journey to find eternal love and stablity, and ultimately to find herself.
Heather’s critiques …
TITLE: The Hit List
GENRE: YA Contemporary
GENRE: YA Contemporary
SCENE:
“I’m not going out with you,” I say, my voice shaky.
He takes a step closer to me (leans toward me)and
His breath is on my cheek.
I do feel it. Beneath the panic, there’s something that pulls me to him. Something that wants him to be this close.
The war rages inside me. I want fight or flight to take over, but there’s a third option in this scenario. Surrender.
It’s useless. I don’t remember a damn thing. And at this point, I’m not sure I want to.
His lips touch mine in a soft caress and the war is lost. I groan and push
My thoughts jumble together
But my heart won’t let go.
I stay, locked in his embrace,
He pulls away as tears prick my eyes.
Nice scene! Most of the little things I snipped are directional phrases that make the reader focus more on where the body parts are, and little redundancies. I’m curious who Luke is and why she’s feeling panicked! I’m guessing that’s clear in the rest of the story. Good job.
TITLE: Truthless
GENRE: YA (Urban) Fantasy
GENRE: YA (Urban) Fantasy
SCENE:
He is so close, I
Alan’s hand is still over my mouth.
All I can focus on is him, his closeness.
My eyes are fixed on his face.
He looks down, and as he catches my gaze, a surge goes through every part of me. Now my heart really has left me. I have no idea where it went. I meant to avert my eyes, but it’s too late. (The first sentence is fine, but the three are too much inner chattiness. It’s a delicate balance—using internal dialog mixed with external action.) I’m locked in, I can’t look away. I don’t want to. I may not believe in his talks of potions, powers and making things float, but this, this is magic.(The last part of this sentence “this is magic” is a little…hmm…corny? You can say the same thing without being so forceful, if that makes sense?)
Interesting scene! I’d love to see you play up more of the external danger a bit so that it’s a stronger metaphor for the emotional “danger” our protagonist is in. Thanks for letting me read and good luck with this!
Come back Monday for more love scene critiques!
Comments welcome! As always, be respectful and kind with your comments.
These scenes are well-written, and Heather’s critiques are wonderful! Only a couple of comments that I would make:
First, in the scene freom “The Hit List,” in the paragraph that says:
He’s too close to me, His mouth hovers centimeters from mine. My mind reels at his closeness and I don’t know what to do. Blind panic courses through me. as I try to remember what I learned in self-defense class.
I’d delete the “Blind panic courses through me” line. It feels redundant, since the panic is both mentioned and described so many times.
In the scene from “Truthless,” I kind of like the awkward corniness of the “this is magic” line. I was getting a sense that this is a fairly young, naive narrator, with a crush on an older, more mature boy who may or may not return her feelings. And this line really drove that point home for me. (Of course, if this isn’t the feel you’re going for here, then I agree with Heather. Try to find a different way to express the feeling.)
Loved each of these in their own ways. I kind of liked the “this is magic” line as well … but maybe try “this is alchemy” instead? Gives it a double meaning. Juat a thought!